An Abstract, Real Time Perspective of Slovakia Vs. England
16:58: There best be a no gum chewing clause in Allardyce’s contract. Yuck. At least he is wearing a suit, even if he does look like he hasn’t had it out the back of the wardrobe since 1974. #PolyesterKing
16:59: Bored already.
17:00: Kick off (does sign of the cross)
00:56 on the clock: Wayne Rooney is almost 31? I remember when he was 17 (and still bald) God I’m old.
1:19: Taken me this long to notice (or care) that we are wearing red. Or that we are playing Slovakia and not Slovenia. That’s how much I care about international football.
4:14: Token 30 seconds laughing at how stupid Sterling looks when he runs.
6:56: One kick from Joe Hart tells you why nobody wants him.
8:48: My accumulator already looks shit.
10:05: We can all at least take solace from the fact that the England band aren’t there with their three song repertoire of awfulness.
13:04: Token 30 seconds laughing at Sterling’s latest hairstyle. Looks like a girl called Carol who was in my class at primary school. Who on earth was still naming their kid Carol in the 80s?
15:52: I wonder where Wilshere is watching this. *Lol*
17:01: I despise these Achy Breaky Heart songs. It’s almost as annoying as the “Just Can’t Get Enough” craze. I’d say we should outdo them all with a full blown song to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody at the Bridge. But our lot can’t even clap The Liquidator in time. And some had allocated Luiz’s tune to Kante. I foresee a conflict somewhere down the line…
20:15: Has anyone else seen anything yet that suggests we might not be as shit and boring under Allardyce as we were under Hodgson?
22:08: Why do I do this to myself?
24:46: Urgh he’s got the gum out. It’s like watching a big stupid cow with bad dress sense that’s been put out to pasture. Don’t be surprised if the next time the camera turns on Allardyce he’s munching on the pitch.
29:35: Can you imagine having a season ticket to watch a Pulis team and seeing football like this every… single… week.
30:03-32:47: Three minute interval sharing a dairylea dunker with the cat. Basically if I give him the pot and the cheese he will let me extract the breadsticks and eat them in peace.
35:09: Things that would be more interesting than England: Playing Charades with Michael Owen.
37:03: Danny Rose you bellend. Put it in Row Z.
38:26: Think of the Queen, and Nelson, and Rule Britannia, and the War. Winston Churchill… Would… Want… You… To… Sit… Through… This… Shit.
40:19: Joe Hart attempts to prove he can use his feet, resulting in 0% accuracy and cementing the end of any meaningful career are almost entertaining.
43:49: My accumulator looks even more shit now.
45:30: Skrtel can’t take anymore. He’s huddled in the foetal position.
Halftime: Ian Wright? OK. I’ve got to draw a f*cking line somewhere. (Goes to put kettle on.)
Jesus - Rooney and Kane having an in depth conversation on their way out. Talk about a meeting of the minds. Suggest they were discussing
Allardyce waddled out to the dugout and all I could hear in my head was the theme tune to Z Cars. And The Sweeney.
47:19: My cat can’t take anymore either. He’s just tried to swallow an elastic band.
48:15: Things that would less tortuous than watching England: Playing charades with Michael Owen AND Robbie Savage.
48:46: Apparently Dier was sick the night we played Iceland. Whole f*cking country was sick that night thanks to the likes of you mate.
49:57: Just as dull and uncreative as every Sunderland/West Ham/Bolton game I have every watched the man manage. Can paint a turd, folks. Can even wrap one in a retro polyester suit. It’s still a turd.
51:35: Adam Lallana is literally stealing a living by pretending to be a footballer.
53:53: There is more movement on Southern’s rail network than there is in this England team.
55:07: Is there nobody that could make a more convincing left back than Danny Rose? I’m pretty sure we could zap Stuart Pearce with a defibrilator and shove him out there and he would be more alert at the back.
56:09: Watching this England team play Trivial Pursuits live would be infinitely more interesting than watching them pretending to play football.
57:53: Skrtel commits football suicide so he can just f*ck this off and go to the bar.
59:33: Fat Tony Pulis, He’s just a fat Tony Pulis…
63:20: A goal is the big thing missing from Lallana’s international CV apparently. The small things obviously being dribbling, tackling, controlling the ball, heading the ball and the ability to pass to a team mate.
68:36: Theo Walcott. Bringing out the big guns. If by big you mean shit and always injured.
71:55 I struggle to accept how a country that produced Take That, Land of Hope and Glory, roast dinners and the Duke of Wellington is also responsible for this shower of shit football.
76:35: Walcott. Couldn’t hit a barn door with a cruise missile.
77:30: I think Danny Drinkwater wears a toupee.
78:04: No wonder Victor Moses pretends to be Nigerian. That he’s from Croydon is another reason. Nobody wants to admit that.
80:56: I’ve lost track of how many times Danny Rose has pretended to be dying in this match. And then got up as if nothing is wrong with him.
82:00: Walcott is the English Kalou. Makes an art form of turning round in circles and then losing the ball/faceplanting the pitch.
83:22: If only Sturridge’s legs were made of stronger stuff than weetabix. That might have gone in.
86:12: Rooney not as his best today, says State-the-Obvious Hoddle. Today’s a day that ends in a Y post-2005 then.
88:37: Jesus wept. Come back Emile Heskey. All is forgiven.
89:41: My mum has a better understanding of the offside rule than Theo Walcott.
93:11: I deserve gin. A lot of gin. And possibly (definitely) maltesers.
94:58: God help us. Lallana will play again next time now. And Allardyce will think this was a positive experience.
One word. Chumps.
Less than seven days till kick off at our own international fixture in Swansea. #countdown
P.S. Has Kevin Bacon lost all his money in a pyramid scam or spent it all on meth? If not is there any acceptable reason for these EE ads? (We all know Britney would do pretty much anything for money).