Vermin 1 Chelsea 1
Tuesday 31st January 2017 20:00
Getting picked up and dumped in Scumsville by a tornado might have been less f*cking traumatic than the M6 today. We had everything bar a plague of zombie Munchkins shoved in front of us on the way north. I was pretty sure there were some winged monkeys honing in on us when we got off the coach but that turned out to be the locals squawking at each other.
In the News: Bye Bye Branna - I think I waxed lyrical about his phenomenal arse enough on the Chelsea Fancast, but in all seriousness what a magnificent servant he has been to the club for nearly a decade. God speed, you scary but loveable b*stard - you leave weighed down with the winners medals you richly deserve and have given us some blinding football memories.
Part of me wished I was at home to watch Scouse Sports News try and make a big deal out of the wankest transfer window I've ever seen. My favourite moment? Payet. What an absolute, magnificent thunderc*nt. And yet it's West Ham. So it's hilarious.
The Others: Interesting fact - By the time our game started, Arsenal had kicked off at least twice. *snigger* Wenger Out! Wenger Out! Hold on. Let's not be hasty. His departure from the land of Goon would take away at least 50% of my amusement at them not winning anything. His explanation for their capitulation at home to Watford was that his players weren't up for it in the first half. Ah well. Problem solved then! Sure their fans will love that. And let's spare a moment to reflect upon the fact that several hundred Sp*rs fans went all the way to Sunderland today. To watch the "most impressive looking side in the league," with more apparent potential for destruction than Gary Lineker eyeballing a grab bag of Walkers, draw 0-0. They should get home just in time to turn around and leave for work. Suckers.
Our Game: I always feel a bit like Princess Diana when I go to the land of Scouse. Like when she used to wander out in fields of land mines like an uber humanitarian, despite what a sh*t day out it must have been. I have seen how some people have to live and when I head south again I'm more appreciative and humble of having been born south of Watford. I did what I usually do, which is leave London going "I'd settle for a point" or in this case "four points this week would be grand." But then I get here after twelve hours in traffic and I see their stupid faces and hear them waffling on about how they can still win the league and I just want to chew them out and spit them out in the gutter with all the used syringes and spent giros. They've got a new stand. Meh. Has anyone checked to see if there is a chunk missing out of Wembley?
This was my game plan:
1 Got to keep it 0-0 first 25
2 Wait for them to run out of ideas
3 Counter attack
4 F*ck them and their sh*t keeper right up.
We barely touched the ball in the opening ten minutes. I said who cares? Let the muppets run around like headless chickens because they haven't done anything with it. All of their effort amounted to Thibaut palming away one effort. Thankfully that sparked us into life, as in we got out of our half. Our first corner followed and then on 23 minutes Eden suckered one of them into a foul on the edge of the box. Now apparently Conte had asked Luiz whether he wanted to be on free kick duty and he said no. Which is why, when he saw Mignolet prancing around in dreamland (think Homer Simpson in a world made of candy) and ran up and smacked it in the top left corner such hilarity ensued between Sideshow and the manager. Mignolet reckons he didn't hear the whistle. Well it certainly wasn't on account of all those home fans as they didn't turn up till after half time. I was told when this happened and my game plan came to fruition that I might be Conte's sweary half sister. Which was great until I realised in that case ever trying to molest him was out of the question. Let's go with stepsister. Because that's a bit wrong but not illegal. No card for Firminho though, not for the petulant foul on the half hour or for chucking the ball away like a girl whose hairdryer has just shorted out on a Friday night. You could hear a pin drop at their end at half time. Outstanding.
After the break they went at it again like a horny Jack Russell. My standout moment of the half was Eden Hazard's phenomenal tackle on the edge of the box. That was until four seconds later when it bobbled to Firminho and he smacked it over the bar like a complete twat. Other moments of hilarity included laughing at the home fans shouting for handball every time the ball went above cock height and the Scouse complaining that they had been blocked off mid-way through the half when they were guiltier of this all night that Bill Clinton trying to convince everyone it was spinach. A couple of chances followed for us, but unfortunately Mignolet was actually doing his job for once and the other just ran long when passed into the box.
Cahill was rightly fuming at their goal, which was really hapless and scrappy on our part. Oh dear God. Only then did the gravity of this new stand begin to sink in when I realised just how many more gobby #Kopsuckers from Bournemouth/North London they can now cram into the place.
I think I've answered one of football's most enduring questions. How does Milner get into any side when he is terrible? He is a cheating b*stard, that's how. He's also the tin man. Because he moves like he is half rusted to the spot and he has one single facial expression that never changes. Finally booked on the hour but he should have been off. I was 30 yards away with my view blocked by a moron wearing a half and half scarf tied round his head so I know I'm right. I saw it through four phone screens being wielded by plastics filming the Scousers singing. Which brings me to Refwatch: Without a doubt Clattenburg is the cowardly lion. All night long he ignored incessant shoving and throat grabbing at times whilst conversely nitpicking at others. Bottled sending Milner off and at times it was the usual closeup seeking, attention deficit riddled clusterf*ck and pandering to the crowd that he is prone to under the lights in a big game. The only thing he has going for him in life is that he is not Andre Marriner.
At this point my biggest frustration was the fact that we needed to get hold of the second ball. The play was scrappy and we were failing to get simple things right, like not giving the bloody thing to cretins in red with sh*t hair. That said, we put it across the face of goal more than once coming in to the last quarter of the game. Pesto (1-0 autospell, already outscoring Sp*rs) came on for Hazard, who didn't look right when he went off against Hull and with Arsenal on Saturday it wasn't worth risking him when another one of the munchkins could come on and object some fresh pace into the game.
That annoying moment when the sh*ttest goalkeeper in the world saves your penalty. B*ll*cks. Although Courtois wasn't much better with his atrocious kicking tonight. He did claim a couple of balls into the box with conviction though, including a headed shot that went right at him. Just before we went into injury time we failed to make anything of a decently placed free kick (given by the linesman because the Cowardly Lion appears to have been neutered). We looked at least capable of retaining the ball when Fabregas came on as he basically took over proceedings. Shame he didn't get a bit longer to break them down but they had just enough in their legs after bombing round like the rabid ferrets they are all night to get over the line with a point. We went close again a couple more times as the clock ran down but we're unable to pinch a winner before the whistle blew.
So: Happy with that. More so than I would have been thanks to the f*ckmuppetry of the North London peasants. Yes we had a penalty (and I do lament that Diego failed to really crap on them right in front of the Kop) but topknot/Nivea w*nker #7 missed an open goal for them. We drew and managed to extend our lead. I take nothing regarding form, skill or anything else constructive from it because it was basically a footballing interpretation of the end of Rocky III. We stood there getting punched and refused to fall over while they danced around like fannies (Clubber Lang) until their legs gave way. Five more minutes and I think we could have knocked the gits out because they were deader on their feet than a dead person in a Quentin Tarantino film who's been unnecessarily shot in the face 56 times. C'est la vie. Klopp (The Scarecrow) is slowly morphing into Wenger. He says he'd rather have had that draw and played their lovely football than have won ugly. I might be paraphrasing because I don't give a sh*t but he then definitely said a point keeps them in the race. Presumably for 4th. Quick, book a parade. My man of the match? David Luiz, not only for making Mignolet look like a c*nt (that on its own isn't hard) but also for his wet-hair homage to Flashdance. I'm sure Pinky will supply him with some bespoke leg warmers and a chair to hump.
I'm off to click my shiny glitter trainers and get out of this sh*thole... Come on Toto.
FA Cup 4th Round: Chelsea 4 Brentford 0
Saturday 28th January 2017 15:00
Aaaah - the magic of the cup. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the following quote:
“Can you imagine how annoying it is when you win thirteen games in a row and there’s one team only six points behind?”
Since Klopp said this, the Scouse have lost four, drawn three, won a single game 1-0, are out of the League Cup, out of the FA Cup and are eleven points behind us. And I think it’s been less than a month. Now I bet THAT is annoying! Not since the Kruger Telegram has a German looked quite so silly. Even if they beat us on Tuesday it means nothing because they let themselves get stuffed at home by Swansea. That and we’ll always have Slippy G as a comeback.
In the News: Imagine my surprise when Wenger got less of a ban for twice shoving an official than the Oldham manager for simply gobbing off at one. Sit him next to us in the Shed Upper next week. We’ll look after him. There was much amusement to be had all week reading about the Scouse implosion and how Daniel Sturridge is a has-been. But Frank Lampard - Don’t think that that comment about the wonder of their fans went unnoticed in blue corners!
The Others: Wes Morgan continues to be a massive liability, but he managed to get his meathead (it might have been a foot, or his arse, I gave up caring after I cashed out my Derby to win bet at 7/1) on an equaliser and Leicester just scraped a replay. If Leicester are eyeballing Ivanovic it’s not surprising. He’s like a whippet compared to Morgan or Huth, with or without his magic arse. Speaking of the Friday night game, Ladies and Gentlemen I also give you Graeme Le Saux, the world’s only mute commentator. He said about four words in 20 minutes. Still he’s better at it than Michael Owen, he’s not an embarrassment to style and intelligence like Savage, you can understand him, unlike Carragher half the time and he can at least speak English in proper sentences, which ranks him above Rio and most definitely above Ian Wright. And he excels more at talking for a living than he did at ice skating. Or Master Chef. Huge laughs listening to Paul Ince rip it out of his kid throughout, too.
Today got off to a flier thanks to the mighty Wolves. “What is going wrong for L*******l?” Ask the BBC. Who cares! We cry, but long may it continue! Elsewhere, nobody will be surprised to learn that karma does exist and that Allardyce still can’t fashion a win for Palace. L’Arse beat a Southampton side who couldn’t give a flying f*ck seeing as they’ve already got to Wembley, and Oxford surprisingly thrashed Newcastle. I wonder if Rafa goes home to Tyneside and curls up in a ball and just weeps at night whilst looking at a scrapbook of before he failed at life. Lincoln came from behind to turn over Brighton, which means I can perv at the two brothers that manage them for a while longer, but it’s all about the mighty Sutton United tomorrow. I may have no windows left by the time Dirty L**ds head north again, but hopefully they will have got a shoeing at Gander Green Lane. Channel Chopper boys, channel Chopper.
Our Game: A full day off for Thibaut, Captain Cahill, Luiz, Kante and Alonso. Matic, Costa, Moses and Hazard dropped to the bench, where there was also a spot for Kenedy, who I have to admit, I had pretty much forgotten existed. So here we are starting the day with five academy products on the pitch. Check out the enemies of football, eh? (Yawn) One of them, visiting with Brentford, spent much of the week talking about finding it impossible to break into the first team and trying hard not to sound bitter, (I was about 75% convinced) one’s at the other end of his career and has literally nothing left to prove as a club legend, but it gave me great joy to see Ake, Loftus-Cheek and Chalobah all start. Not as much joy as Pepe the Prawn, (muppet alias) whose man-crushes are now just as fickle and indiscriminate as a teenage girl obsessing over a boyband when it comes to the nubile youth in the dressing room. He’d put out for any of them.
The first half saw a spirited beginning from the visitors, though there was nothing doing in the last third until they headed wide after ten minutes. Two minutes later a clumsy body slam on Pesto (f*ck off auto spell) that he may have milked a little bit gave us a free kick on the edge of the box. We were behind and in line with it and as soon as Howard (sitcom nicknames - Big Bang Theory) saw the Keeper's position he said "this is a goal". He was right. How you are that far over when it is WILLIAN lining up to smash it at you is a puzzler. Nonetheless it was brilliantly placed by our fuzzy haired favourite. Less than ten minutes later Batshuayi tried to get a pass through to Loftus-Cheek, who couldn’t connect with it, but Pesto the poacher nipped in and sent it past the Brentford keeper on the near post. For all their enthusiasm, the Championship side were quite atrocious at the back. It could have been three in the 25th minute during a bundle in the goalmouth, but the ball didn’t quite clear the line. Another was chalked off as offside and Loftus-Cheek also forced the keeper to tip one over the bar. In the last five minutes of the half there was a little bit of a flurry from Brentford, but nothing for us to sh*t our pants over. Unlike Sp*rs who were 0-2 to Wycombe at this point.
Not deterred, Brentford came out to have a go in the second half. Willian sent an early opportunity over the bar, before he made a great run, leaving half the opposition for dust on the floor to play the ball in for Ruben, who cracked the bar. Branna came on for Willian on 62, probably because he starts Tuesday and Conte wanted to rest his legs, but he'd also lost the plot a bit and was bombing round shouting at everyone, as my nan would have said, like a tit in a trance. Thrilled to see the Serb score one of the easiest goals of his tenure after running most of the length of the pitch. It would be nice to see him go out with a bit of a bang instead of fading away before he departs. No doubt about the penalty after he was brought down either, clumsy on the part of the defender, which brings me to Refwatch: Michael Oliver - we’ve not had him in a while. He wasn't under any pressure at all today, but no incessant whistle blowing, no missed decisions for me and no brain farts in either direction. In the same way I will nitpick at every f*ck up they can muster, I suppose I'll have to give them credit when they actually earn their money. But grudgingly, like when you are forced to applaud at your kids’ God awful school play.
So: Our fringe players got a run out against league one opposition last round. This time it was Championship Brentford, so a step up. How did they do?
Right at the back they weren’t called into much stressful action. Zouma is still on the comeback trail. I’ve not seen him sprint all out since his return, but he had a nice little wander up field a couple of times today and looked good. Hopefully his youth, and general beastlikeness (if it isn’t a word, it should be) is not going to leave him with any lasting damage after such a nasty injury. I am a tiny bit afraid of him. But I love him.
Chalobah has been progressing well all season and I think he was the best of the bit-part players again today. I just can’t fault him. Energy, discipline, presence and precision. He looked every bit as good as he did against Peterborough. Scrap that, better. He just looks like he belongs. Shoving people over on their arse when they mess with his teammates like at City helps me like him too.
Same for Ake, who is back in blue and deservedly so. Our faithful, roaming Chelsea academy nomad was all over the pitch today. He began in Alonso's role so he’s seemingly not only back to replace Oscar. He was really impressive on the left. When Dave went off he slipped into the back three and in both positions he was every bit as comfortable as he has looked at Bournemouth. Early days for him under Conte, but very promising confirmation of his versatility and he slotted into the team well.
Given that we'd given him up for scrubbing boots at Vitesse or having been abducted by aliens, the same goes for Kenedy, who also got a chance to try and show that he too is a competent alternative to Alonso. I can't recall that he put a foot wrong, other than daring to take to the field in a heretical shirt sleeves and gloves ensemble, and he even had a chance to get himself on the scoresheet.
Loftus-Cheek’s last two showings have been really promising. Today he was bullied off the ball five times in the opening 20 mins. Then he won us a corner shortly after that and got progressively better as the game went on, For me, he played his way right into it, and is streets ahead of the frustrating showings we had come to expect. If I had to come up with a criticism, it would be that he is a bit of a tank, and I think at youth level he’d probably got quite good at throwing his weight around and flattening people. But now he’s going to be up against experienced players and fat b*stards like Charlie Adam and it isn’t quite as effective. A couple of times today he tried and it didn’t work, he bounced off. Hit ‘em harder next time!
But at least he tried a bit of this. Which is more than can be said for Batshuayi, which saddens me, because I want to see everyone in a blue shirt do well, but he is a conundrum. He’s not lazy. He worked hard today. He got an assist and a goal. But. And it is a big, Ivanovic-style but. (get it?) I was wringing my hands for much of the game because the return he gets for his work is not nearly good enough. I think I understand why he doesn’t necessarily start when Diego isn’t there and you can just use Hazard or one of the other miniature assassins instead. This was Brentford. With the greatest respect, he will face much, MUCH tougher defenders. And yet there was no presence, no aggression. I can’t think of one occasion in which he went in for a 50/50 and held the ball up. Or took it off anyone. In fact from what Howard and I clocked, he went in for his first proper challenge, like he meant it, on 89:56. And he ended up fouling the guy. The best strikers in the world intimidate the f*ck out of defenders. People want to forearm smash Costa in the face. If anyone said that about Batshuayi right now, I’d think they had a history of being heavily medicated. If I was a defender, I’d be inclined to think that if I went in for the ball growling loud enough, he’d let me have it. He’s not sh*t. He's just nice. He can do really good things when he isn't under any pressure, like his assist. It troubles me that he's got the fighting spirit of a Frenchman facing an invasion who has run out of smelly cheese. (I can say this because all my friends are French) Someone put it better than me when they said he needs b*stard lessons. He’s not even assertive when he’s making runs. Case in point on 67 minutes today. Pesto breaks, and instead of bombing in and SHOWING him where he wants the ball, he floats in between two decisions and waits for Pesto to choose for him. Why did Michy get a goal? Because as soon as the penalty was called, Diego picks up the ball and says, go on, get on the scoresheet, you deserve it. (Or possibly “PUT THIS IN THE NET OR I WILL EAT YOUR FACE!” - in Spanish) People are not going to give you those opportunities on a regular basis to be nice, you need to grab them for yourself. Costa comes on with the result dead and buried wanting to destroy the opposition, forgiving him for the faux pas of the short sleeves and gloves, because I don't want to make him angry, he did more effective work in front of goal in ten minutes than Batshuayi did all afternoon. The ball runs out of play at 4-0 and he acts like it is the end of the world. Buy a mannequin, Michy. Stick a picture of Danny Rose on it and practice getting angry and punching it in the face repeatedly. Find your inner monster. Man up. CHANNEL CHOPPER! Because it is frustrating that most of what else would make you really quite good is there waiting.
I’m far too sober for a Saturday night. I’m going to find gin. Bring on Tuesday.
*Picture of Pesto mounting Michy (in every picture I've seen of him from today he is trying to mount someone) comes from Chelsea's official Instagram page.
Chelsea 2 Hull City 0
Sunday 22nd January 2017
It's possible I have drunk too much gin for this to make sense...
In the News: We’ve been exposed to endless cartoons of the new Shite Hart Lane, endless punditting about how this Sp*rs side are the most awesome thing since someone invented gin, and tonic, and lime, and put them all in one glass this week. As it went on, as well as wanting to be sick in my mouth, there was a tiny part of me that was sucked in by all of this propaganda and ended up terrified that their time is coming. It cannot be allowed to happen. For the sake of humanity. We are John McLean and they are Hans Gruber. No, wait a minute, Hans Gruber was cool. They are the weird naked yoga man in the sh*t Die Hard with Samuel L Jackson. Anyway… After laughing at their draw with City I quickly got over such fears. Anyway I digress... oh look... more gin...
*Ten minutes later*
Apparently the Chinese are trying to buy all our refs to the tune of £1m a year. Can I be the first to say that for half that and the cost of a bottle of chloroform, I can have most of the twats in crates and on an unregistered tanker inside a week. Seriously you can have them.
The Others: Let's all just pause a moment, and laugh at Sam Allardyce...
Sp*rs or the Scouse up our arse. Its like having to choose between death by drowning or being burned alive if one of them is to go past us. Arsenal are hypothermia, agonising and clearly something you’d not want to happen to you under any circumstances, but you can think of slightly worse things that could occur. Just.
Can I be there first to say that I have always held Kevin Friend in the greatest esteem, and that just because he can’t spot a foul, or a penalty, or any basic infringement of the rules, and is a bellend, doesn’t mean he isn’t a valuable addition to the ranks of Premier League officials? Last time Kevin took charge at Anfi*ld, the mugs lost 3-0 and had a man sent off. And until yesterday, he hadn’t been allowed back by the FA for a year and a half. Well done that man. And well done Swansea, in particular all of those people that went up to the land of Scouse expecting to get smashed and instead came away having witnessed their team put a smile on the face of anyone with an inkling of taste, or a soul.
I was hoping that Joe Allen (who looks like a wino hobbit) could do something against United. He is the Welsh Messi after all. Apparently. But this proved slightly futile. Still, I’m glad they were all so chuffed at having got a point out of Stoke. I sh*t you not - on Gillette Soccer Saturday, Charlie Nicholas referred to a defender being incapable of keeping hold of someone on a set play and faffing around like the sugar plum fairy as having “a Pogba moment.” Hilarious.
Thus by Saturday evening the Premier League had a touch of the Chelsea mafia about it. Paul Clement and Claude Makalele beat the Scouse, Mata’s own goal at Stoke. And we could have been as many as ten points clear by the time we finished playing today (I might have made this up. if so, the gin made me do it) At the Etihad, Marriner should be ashamed of himself for not punishing what is one of the most blatant examples of cheating I have seen in a long time. But if I was Andre Marriner I’d be basically ashamed of life in general so I doubt he is losing any sleep over this small transgression.
Our Game: After so much entertainment seeing how much Minion cake could be shoved in Mowgli's (special alias) face at once had by self, Lew Zealand, Beaker (muppet aliases) and Jumbo (sitcom aliases - he was Del Boys Australian mate) at The Elk this afternoon, this match was going to have a lot to live up to. Nathan Ake made his return following his shortened loan spell with a spot on the bench, whilst on the pitch it was as you were with Conte’s favoured XI after the (made up) drama of last weekend.
Diego could have scored in the first ten seconds, which would have been the ultimate f*ck you to the press, but sadly it was no to be. We started well, playing with pace but not creating anything special. Hull had a shot in the ninth minute, but it was tamely wide. A long break came after our first corner, when Cahill and Ryan Mason went for the same ball and you heard the crack in the stands. It killed the atmosphere but gave us an opportunity for a bit of a love-in with Costa. Mason has suffered a fractured skull, which is obviously a f*cking sickening way to end the day when you set out to play a game of football. He is apparently in a stable condition though, having undergone surgery. God speed little black and orange man.
After the enforced break Hull kept the ball better, and a headed shot on 25, although comfortably saved by Courtois, meant that we'd had less opportunities than them at that point. Things picked up as we reached the half-hour. A great chance put in by Alonso deflected slightly and Jakupovic just tipped onto the roof of the net. How that wasn't a penalty on Pesto (f*ck off autospell) just baffles me, unless sitting on someone's face is now within the rules of the game. Shortly afterwards, Hazard received a great ball out on the left but when he cut in he lost his footing and went down like Slippy G watching Demba Ba run away with his title dreams. From my vantage point (with Alf Garnett's arm in my face) I swore on my cat's life (I swore a lot, actually) that Costa wasn't offside as he approached 45 minutes and he had one chalked off. Finally, the ball went right across the face of goal on 42 and there was no blue shirt there to meet it as another half chance went begging. It seemed we were going to go into half time having fired more blanks than Henry VIII, but there was a long period of injury time to come.
Gonzo trotted off with a spring in his step at all the prospects of all that extra Singha that could be had with nine whole minutes of added time, leaving the rest of us to deal with the hilarity of the Shed Upper locals without him. Now, either the guy at the back has a rabid, undiagnosed form of BSE that means he moos very loudly at random intervals as if someone is waving a steak in his face and saying “YOU’RE NEXT!" Or he is quite uncreative and is trying to say "MOVE" every time someone gets the ball. In which case, they've clearly sussed that much as professional footballers. So shush.
It suddenly appeared to occur to our team at the onset of injury time that nothing that they had put into the box in the air had been reached by anything but a Hull player, and that if we wanted any joy it should come across the floor. Suddenly they were all over this. Five minutes into time added on, Alonso, who was having another good game, put it across the face of the goal again but Kante just failed to get on the end of it. The breakthrough came moments later though, when Moses played in Costa. The original ball out to the wing was a really well placed one from Alonso, but Hull could have done better. Five of their defenders were goal side of Diego when he put it in the back of the net.
Not bad, but equally nothing special in the first half, mainly down to Hull’s work rate and discipline. I couldn’t help thinking that we should have started with the flair of Fabregas and that it might have made for an easier afternoon. Matic and Kante at home to Hull? Not sure I would have opted for that, but I understand why Conte did. Also, he earns a fortune in football and I write about a hundred year old war for next to nothing, so I will let him have this one.
We didn't exactly explode out of the blocks in the second half. “ENOUGH OF THE TIKI TAKA ARSENAL CRAP!” Shouted Alf Garnett at one point. We rode our luck a bit when Alonso spent about a minute fouling everyone he touched like Fellaini with a hangover and got away with it on account of the Lino on the West Stand side being about as useful as a book without pictures in in the hands of Harry F*cking Kane. (Try saying his name without swearing, it’s impossible) Meyler forced a save from Courtois in what was probably their best effort, but still the visitors, for all their industry had not got that close to scoring.
Ref watch: Swarbrick again today - he let the game flow which I liked, but he let a lot go on Hazard, (at one point Boycie pointed out that he’d have had more luck getting something out of a whorehouse at the wrong time of the month) but on the whole it was one of the best officialing performances we’ve had in a while. If we’d hoped that Hull would fade, it was the opposite. An hour in and their stripy tails were up. We'd got very deep, especially after introduction of Niasse who, despite the fact he’s got the build of a darts player can’t ‘arf shift. Despite about five knocks to the head today, it was Cahill who secured the points. He was completely unmarked and free to lollop about in the box with impunity to get on the end of the header that led to our second. Hull will be furious with themselves when they see that played back after all the hard work they put in today.
Astute of Conte to take off Costa and let him milk the adulation of the crowd. Still want to go to China? (If indeed this wasn't complete fabrication) Where the crowds are eleven jobseekers and a goat? And the accolades are worth less than a Donald Trump election pledge? (Looking forward to seeing this wall) The zip went out of Hull after the second goal, and the clock was run down. We were forced to make our own entertainment. Boycie discovered a new use for his hand warmer by using it to heat up his gonads, but forgot it was wedged in their when he jumped up to celebrate, which could have ended badly.
So: Full credit to Hull today. At no point did they park the bus. They worked bloody hard and had more of a go than some of the supposedly better teams that turn up at the Bridge and refuse to play. Much of it stemmed from Harry Maguire at the back, where they were controlled for pretty much the whole game. If they play like that the rest of the season they won’t be going down. There are going to be no easy games now, because we're there to be shot at, and seeing as everyone else had gifted us results it was understandably a bit of a nervous performance. When all is said and done we just had to do our job and win against opposition we shouldn't have been dropping points against. And we did, which is more than can be said for the Scouse this weekend. So far so good.
If you have any need to indulge in more of my senseless drunken ramblings, I shall be joining the Fancast chaps on Monday @ChelseaFanCast
*Pervy picture of Cahill's nut sack taken from Chelsea's official Instagram page.
Chelsea 1 Media Gits 0
Saturday 14th January 2017
Can I just say, before I write anything else, when have you EVER picked up the Daily Fail, or switched on Sky Sports and taken what they say as gospel and not a ton of attention seeking sh*t written by press plebs with the integrity of our coach window right now? (Thanks for that Leicester) So why this should have changed last night to the extent that the football world is whipped up into frenzied hysteria on a par with the Salem witch trials, or a group of teenagers being denied wifi access, is just baffling to me.
In the News: All I have to say on this pile of needy press wank are these random, general observations:
Most of what they write is bullsh*t aimed at keeping a 24 hour news cycle going. This doesn't just apply to football, it's the sad world we live in. They don't care if it is right. It's not about being right, it's about being first. And always having something to say. It's about being noticed. A mumbled apology can come at a later date when everyone has moved on to the next scandal, because honestly, who's going to retweet that? They also don't care who they destroy in the process as long as people keep clicking on the website. Do you want to trust the word of these people?
So there were some raised voices at Cobham this week. I imagine this is not an infrequent occurrence in a world of many men with big egos. Given that Diego was involved it might have got a little bit shouty. In Portuguese. Or Spanish. I don't think Conte speaks either of these languages? So it must have been a short row. Anyway. It doesn't have to end with someone leaving the country just because some moron decided to leak it to a newspaper.
The more money that comes into the game, the more detached the players get from the fans. It is beyond comprehension to one of us how £200,000 a week might not be enough to satisfy someone being paid to do something that they love. Mercenaries will multiply. I will have no respect for them, but they are not going anywhere and they don't care what we think because they are too busy counting their money.
More than often these halfwit mercenaries are being manipulated by conniving sh*tbag agents, the worst of whom are the scourge of modern football and only interested in lining their pockets with obscene amounts of money.
This Chinese league are tossers. What is the Chinese for "tapping up" or failing that just give me a translation of "f*ck" and "off" and I'll be set.
That is it. That's all I know, which is nothing. Apart from the fact that Costa at some point this week might have said that his back hurt. So I'm now boycotting anything said or written about all this nonsense until something actually happens. And until that time I'm just going to concentrate on the actual playing of football...
Which was actually pretty impressive on the part of fourteen players and a manager who did go to work today.
Our Game: Changes were rung again after the cup last week and it was the team I think we all expected in the absence of Diego. I know people will say it doesn't look good for Batshuayi that he got overlooked, but on any given day I think it's pretty difficult for the manager to decide who gets left out out of Willian, Hazard, Fabregas and Pesto (autospell - grrr) and I also think that given that combinations of those four have proved able to keep us afloat up front without Costa, that Michy couldn't really argue that he's earned a start above any of them as yet. I just think it shows that he's got some work to do as a young player trying to step up to the next level, not that he's a failure. Loftus-Cheek got a place on the bench which was deserved after his showing last weekend.
We started with a skip in our step, and so naturally almost came to grief in the first couple of minutes with a scramble in our own box.
"Early goal please" I wrote.
And along came Alonso. He called for it, but Dave played it in to Pesto instead. When he fluffed it Hazard smartly decided to play it to Alonso instead of shooting and he curled it past the keeper and three blue shirts into the bottom corner.
"Million pounds please"
Nothing so far.
Leicester are a puzzle. They have not suddenly become awful, at no point did they look remotely incompetent and it certainly isn't that they're lazy. And yet over the first quarter of an hour it quickly became clear that they don't have the same zip, sparkle, fairy dust, spirit fingers, whatever, as last season.
Twenty minutes gone and they had begun coming into it more. We hadn't actually fashioned a plethora (try saying that after gin) of chances by any means either, though Moses was brought down during one great run and the foul was not given. This was a recurring theme. Refwatch: Andre Marriner is my least favourite referee (I know, it's like trying to pick your 'favourite' off the FBI's most wanted list) He always seems to favour one team over the other and I think I can remember one single occasion when it was us. Is it vindictive or is he just sh*t? I'd be interested to know if this is other clubs' perception of him... actually, we won despite another official's inability to be consistent across two halves of football, so I couldn't give a sh*t.
Much of the first half was nothing to write home about after the goal. We spent much of it watching a large drunk man trying to do the wanker sign at the Leicester fans, but actually doing it at the players. And it wasn't really the wanker sign. Trigger (sitcom aliases) and I eventually realised it was more like the Brownie Guide salute. As he shouted random words like "drum" and "flag." God knows what that looked like on the receiving end. An industriously won corner on 38 minutes led to another promising one. One thing of note today, our corners were good. I'll say it again. Our corners weren't 'alf bad! But aside from Pesto blazing it over the bar in the 42nd minute we hadn't really come close to another goal at either end when the break came.
We made our usual bright start to the second half and you might have thought that we had scored early on when a massive cheer went up in the away end, but no, that was irony. Chelsea fans cheering with the same level of enthusiasm as the Gooners when they finish fourth every year because Marriner had finally awarded us a free kick. Despite the pink f*ckmuppet with the whistle, we didn't have long to wait for our second goal though. The ball bobbled out to Alonso on the edge of the 18 yard box; a great first touch and his shot deflected off Wes Morgan to go in for his second of the game. Leicester will be really disappointed with that. Oh well.
They threw caution to the wind to try and get back into the game, but though they did attack I can't remember any heart in mouth moments. It could have been three on 57 minutes, but after a typically slippery, winding run, Eden just seemed to cut the wrong way in the box and left himself without a shot on. Shortly afterwards Ranieri went all out and replaced Huth with Okazaki. Cahill almost pulled off what looked (probably on account of his lankiness) like an ultra slow-motion overhead kick. Instead of thumping the back of the net it thumped Morgan in the face in front of the goal. I've seen non-centre backs look a lot more daft trying them though. In the 64th minute, Alonso almost had a third. We could see he was the one open, we could see it was going to him and we could see he was going to volley it. Right in front of the away end, if that had gone in instead of fizzing just wide I think the roof would have come off.
Ranieri's gamble on his formation wasn't working, in fact it had made us more dominant, but the third was just hapless on the part of the home side. Schmeichel made a mess out of getting the ball ahead of Willian in the box who played it in to Pesto’s head. Defenders were nowhere, third goes in. The closing minutes did not get any easier, for they saw willing but tired Leicester legs being given the run around by a fresh-faced Fabregas when he came in for a slightly ailing Hazard on 78 minutes. Any chances they had were half-decent at best. Final score, 0-3.
So: The Blues go marching on. The gutter press's attempts to derail our title bid whilst simultaneously giving themselves something to write about in a dull 24 hours have backfired. It appears that with Conte in charge, we are a lot less easy to wind up than certain of his predecessors, who may or may not be living with a haunted, scowly look on their face in a Manchester hotel suite. Not that I'm being specific.
It gave me great joy to see Alonso have such a good game today. It was even greater to see him look a journalist in the eye re Costa and say "You guys made that up," even if it was a bit of a lie. Kante was instrumental on his return to Leicester, and probably feels a tiny (very tiny, because he conducted himself like a gentleman) bit guilty about how bereft they are without him. In the absence of Diego (who we are led to believe was trying to stuff his Labrador in a designer suitcase along with a pair of pants, several million in cash and a complimentary can of Carabao and make for the airport) Willian, Pesto and Hazard were immense. I've been pondering Cahill's extended run as captain. I know there are a lot of people who think that he isn't loud enough. This is possibly true, but I wonder if that's exactly what we need? We can't have another JT, another talisman, because we've still got the old one. Understated seems to be working out OK for now and more importantly, there is no power clash. Conte is unequivocally in charge. Just a thought. Discuss. If you can be arsed.
There was real intent from Ruben and Michy when they came on today, especially the former, which hasn't always been the case, but is all they can do - take every minute they are given, run their arse off and try and show Conte they deserve a shot. Speaking of Conte. I love him. I'd have his babies (and I hate babies) but he needs a seminar on how to tell fibs to the press.
The Goons and the Spuds have won, which leaves us seven points clear. Here's hoping HWWNBN parks his bus in front of the Scouse tomorrow and they slog out a 0-0 bore draw. I want to see all those bearing the sh*t girly man buns look Ibrahimovic in the face when he's owned long hair whilst looking like a hard b*stard for, well forever.
In the words of the song: F*ck 'em all. Slap Diego on the wrists, hide his passport, tell him they will eat his beloved dog, whatever, but let's get back to the happy-clappy, group hugging business of trying to make sure we win this title that we had going a couple of weeks ago. And anyone who doesn't want to play for Chelsea, (and I mean anyone) tell them to sling their 'ook. Get as much as you can for them and show them the door.
Immense day out for the away lot today. Special shout out to Victor Meldrew, who literally makes my away days. I've lost my voice. Bring on Hull next week
*Disclaimer: I really like China
FA CUP Round 3: Chelsea 4 Peterborough United 1
Sunday 8th January 2017 15:00
In the News: Ake is back. Straight in the squad for Oscar presumably, which means we won't be splashing out on that position on this transfer window. I’d be amazed if we pulled him away from playing every week at Bournemouth to then go and buy someone. Mikel brought a tear to the eye of many a Chelsea fan. (For all the right reasons) Joking aside, he has been at the club for ten years. Yes, he was like marmite at times, and at times you could have throttled him. That said, I never understood the way some people had it in for him. Scoring against PSG, Munich, anyone? Palace away last year, that back heel at Everton for the sixth goal? For every moment of haphazard f*ckwittery you can throw at me, I'll give you one back where he made me want to dry hump his leg. His game didn’t lend itself to massive amounts of glory, but it did save our arses on several occasions. I say God speed little Nigerian Messi, and all the best at your new club.
The FA Cup wasn’t exactly a deluge of stunning entertainment, apart from laughing at the Scouse who flung on everyone and still failed to win. If the games lacked magic cup fairy dust, then let yourselves be entertained by the nonsense that is BT (stands for Bunch of Twats) Sport coverage of the competition. I didn’t think it was possible for Ian Wright to make a bigger fool of himself, but it was funny watching him try by attempting to argue a point that flew in the face of the rules of the game despite the fact that everyone else in the studio made it clear that he was an idiot. And it got better later in the day. Harry Kewell made a play for the most depressed pundit in football history. He is the only man you will ever see look more miserable when someone scores. But the highlight was the bitchfest going on between the female goalie who can’t handle people disagreeing with her about anything and Paul Ince/Chris Sutton at the other end of the massively long sofa. It was great. Seriously I mean great. And yes I did say great.
Our Game: Ah the beauty of the cup. The abundance of full kit wankers, people asking where the stadium is when they are standing outside what used to be the So Bar, the inflatable bananas and other random objects. Not so much fun is getting booted out of The Shed. We went on tour today. To the West Lower. They have a f*cking street market in the stand, that’s what they pay the extra money for. Do you know what the bad thing about relocation is though? My absolute, flawless ability to end up next to a backseat manager (let’s give him an alias of Wanker) shouting his assessment of every single ball that was played like anyone values his opinion. This was only marginally less irritating than the nicknames he had for all of the players as though they were his mates. (Faba, Gazza, yes, I sh*t you not - the fact that he survived the match without me clubbing him with my handbag is a miracle up there with loaves and fishes)
Alonso and Luiz got a day off. In fact we changed almost the entire starting lineup after Wednesday. Sadly, this in no way improved our corner taking ability and it took three to clear the first man, and actually, when that one did, it cleared everybody. The first real chance of the game fell to the visitors, but a close range save from Begovic denied them. It was a disjointed start on our part, given that this was a new team selection, but early chances nearly resulted in a nifty back heeled goal from Cahill and JT was denied when his longer range effort went straight at the keeper. The first goal came shortly afterwards when Willian made a great run and Loftus-Cheek’s effort came back out, Chalobah’s follow up shot was also saved and it fell to Pesto (up yours, auto spell) who cracked it into the top corner from a tight angle. He could have had a second on the half hour when played in by Ruben, but took a touch and ended up smashing it off the bar. Just before half-time Loftus-Cheek was in the thick of it again as he knocked it down to Batshuayi in the box for the Belgian to knock it home.
Just into the second half Willian managed to thread the ball past three defenders and the keeper from outside the box to put it into the bottom corner, and we were three up. Chalobah could have had one shortly afterwards, but in a display of how hardworking he is, less than sixty seconds on, after someone else’s wayward pass, he had made it all the way back to the opposite box to ensure that Peterborough could not capitalise. Which brings me to Refwatch. I was ready to say Kevin Friend had an OK day today, until he sent Terry off. I am in agreement with Antonio, that it was not a red card. As reported by the BBC on 14th April 2016:
“Players who commit a foul to deny a goalscoring opportunity will no longer automatically be sent off, football's rule-making body has confirmed. However, players committing accidental fouls that deny a goalscoring chance will now be cautioned instead. But deliberate fouls will still incur a red card. Those include holding, pulling or pushing, not playing the ball, serious foul play, violent conduct or deliberate handball in order to deny a goalscoring opportunity. The change has been ratified by the International Football Association Board (IFAB) - a body made up of the four British football associations and Fifa - which decides on changes to the Laws of the Game.”
For me, that tackle was none of the above. Along with the holding in the box rule change it appears to be something else that officials will pay attention to if and when they can be arsed. It’s not like it cost us anything, but it was needlessly harsh on JT who I thought had had a solid afternoon that would give him great encouragement following his injury woes. Still, having already withdrawn Cahill it meant no rest for Dave, who had to come on and it ruined Loftus-Cheek’s afternoon as he was withdrawn to facilitate a reshuffle. Their goal was well set up, and rewarded a large travelling contingent for making the trip south. Fifteen minutes from the end though, Batshuayi held the ball up well to lay it back for Pesto, who claimed his second and finished them off. A result we would have expected, but by no means were Peterborough just making up the numbers.
So: We got to see some players whose chances are limited by a lack of European football this season.
I don’t think Begovic could have done much more for the goal, and he certainly made more than one decent save, most importantly when the game was still at 0-0. JT’s afternoon was brought to a premature end. The showing against West Ham in the league cup means I still reserve judgement on how effective he is in a three-at-the-back-scenario until I see him turn out against better opposition than a League One side. This final phase of his career presents new challenges for him and the way in which he is approaching them so far this season (i.e. without sulking or moaning) to my mind shows what a club man he is. He’s chosen to stay till the end as opposed to going out on a high like Lampard, else he’d be in China taking handouts for doing bugger all. It must immensely hard to find your place having been top dog for so long and adjust your expectations. It was outstanding to see Zouma, our big, beautiful monster, back after his long injury lay off, looking fit and ready to kick on. And I was not the only one enthused. Even when he put a shot on the roof he got cheered. He got up again after the opposition attempted to decapitate him, and I thought it was a really solid, encouraging reintroduction to first team football. It’s like having a new signing. Ivanovic 2.0. The slimline version. Has possibly been on a desert island talking to a volleyball called Wilson angrily in Serbian since the Arsenal defeat. I’m mourning the loss of half his fantastic arse by drinking gin as I write this. A couple of wayward passes, but no more than you’d expect across ninety minutes. Chalobah had great moments at both ends. He is reliable, his energy levels don’t wane. His progress is steady and encouraging and he’s earned his appearances in blue twice over by proving himself away from the Bridge. Perhaps that is what Loftus-Cheek needs? He’s got the potential to be a better player than Chalobah by some way, but that doesn’t guarantee anything. Does he need to go to another Premier League club, a Bournemouth or someone similar? Is his development suffering because we have kept him at the club? Maybe he needs some room to grow away from the expectation of being the next JT? God knows stretches elsewhere seem to have worked for Moses, Ake and Chalobah (Gin = philosophy, I’ll be on the meaning of life and trying to make sense of the plot of The Golden Compass by the end of the night) In my opinion he needed to play a blinder today, and at times he did. As the game went on he got better and better. He worked hard, he looked meaner, tougher too. By that I mean willing to throw his weight around with some attitude and claim his place on the pitch. I think on recent occasions prior to today he has looked a bit wet, a bit reluctant, sort of half chasing stuff around. Faffy, as my nan would have said. Maybe it has been nerves. When he got motoring down the pitch with the ball at his feet today it was an impressive sight, and I don't just mean in a perverted sexual way. But at the moment he chooses what to do with it at the other end, it is not as exciting. Yet. When I mention him being willing to throw his weight around, this is categorically something that Batshuayi needs to do. I know he scored, and I am pleased for him, but to my mind he didn’t stick it to his doubters today. The one thing he should take from Costa right now if he wants to kick on is his determination to chase everything down, regardless of whether it looks like a lost cause. Costa has real presence on the pitch because you just, can’t, shake him. Drogba was the same. Defenders get piled on them because they are a monumental pain in the arse and you can't let them out of your sight. Michy backed out of way too much today. In my opinion a lack of presence was what was missing from him today. That said I think he’s being judged harshly at the moment. I'm not saying we don't need to add someone further along in their development to the squad, I'm just going to accept him for what he is. I think people forget how young he is. He just isn’t the finished article yet, and neither The Drog or Costa were at his age.
Right with that, I am going back to the latter attempts on the Passchendaele Ridge in November 1917. Rock. And. Roll.
*Picture of the Zouma/Willian dance-off comes from Chelsea's official instagram page.
R*ttenham 2 Chelsea 0
Wednesday 4th January 2017 20:00
I’ve forgotten what it is like to write one of these when we lose! Uncle Albert (sitcom alias) said he knew we were doomed when he trundled round the one way system in the three wheeled van in the afternoon and a bus ploughed into the side of him and kept on going.
In the News: There's some thing going on concerning two women and Nasri. Yes you heard me right, Pullen, two women are fighting over Nasri. I haven't read it l, because I don't care enough, but suffice to say, even though they don't look like the brightest, the fact that he found two women to sleep with him in the first place, let alone scrap over who gets to keep him literally blows, my, mind.
The Others: We were the last to play in this round of fixtures, so let’s blast through everyone else’s week so far. United have now won six in a row. That’s nice for them. But serious winding in of necks is required in some quarters. Those games have included West Ham being robbed of being able to make a contribution to the game, Boro at home, Sunderland at home, West Brom, and Palace. They are basically winning the games that they should be if they want to be top four contenders. You could say that had they not won five of those six with the money they have spent on their squad they be patently incompetent.
Arsenal got thumped for 70 minutes. Possession, desire, skill, tactics, everything. They looked like conceding every time Eddie Howe’s side went forward. Let’s not talk about the end bit, but focus on Giroud’s beard, which, along with the notion of Nasri going at it, is one of the most horrifying things in football. It is quite literally taking over the Premier League. If he comes back from a trip home through Calais they are going to probe that for illegals.
Fernandinho’s third red since the end of November? How is there no outcry about him being an animal? Costa has been sent off ONCE since he arrived in England and gets a media reception reserved for corrupt MPs making dodgy expense claims and Donald Trump. Sigh. It was quite amusing watching Pep having a go at that crowd behind the dugout at the Etihad and moaning that they weren't making any noise. It's almost as if he didn't do any research at all before opting for the biggest salary. Also, nobody has yet commented on the fact that he is downright ignorant in his post match interviews. Every. Week. Also, he has a rank habit of picking his nose in public. Now I have pointed it out you’re going to notice nothing else…
Great showing by the Scouse. I've always liked that Jermaine Defoe bloke. Watching MOTD, which we know always edits these games in an entirely honest way (ok, ok, they are a huddle of ruffianly blackguards bent on deception and skulduggery) Sunderland could have won that 12-1. I've always loved Anthony Taylor too. I'm sure I've never said anything that wasn't a glowing appraisal in his favour.
Speaking of referees, they have been dire at times this week. I wonder if HWWNBN will be bemoaning everyone else being luckier than him after the ridiculous red shown to Ferghouli. Just ludicrous. And now overturned. Still. It was West Ham, so it was a little bit funny. Mike Dean hang your oddly shaped head in shame. (It’s the best we can hope for when they don’t have to answer to anybody for an awful performance) If Niall Quinn, the wettest sap in football, is calling you out, you can’t sink any lower professionally. Leicester haven't won back to back league games this season, and their cause was not bettered by having Bobby Madeley, still campaigning to make himself the most hated man in football with another cracked out showing with the whistle. Drop them like a player would be dropped for an unacceptable performance, force them to come out and do post match interviews and own up to their mistakes like you do with the teams and I might have a modicum of respect for the gruelling, tough life the are over-paid to lead.
Our Game: Let’s not bother reliving this in great detail.
This was not unlike the City game at the point we went behind. This is what the happened at the Etihad:
All of ours played a blinder
They blew every chance they had
We clinically put away what we orchestrated at the other end
At the back our concentration never wavered
None of this applied last night.
That said, had we not fucked up twice at the back I struggle to see where else they would have got a scoreline like that. Which is frustrating.
Top three songs last night?
“They've won the league in black and white”
“Did you cry at Stamford Bridge”
and of course the old standard, “2-0, and you f*cked it up”
The teams pretty much cancelled each other out in the first half. Our lot are big enough and ugly enough to know what happens when you don’t close people down and you don’t mark knobs in white in the box. So they only had themselves to blame for letting that rancid little cheat take the lead just before the break.
We battered them at the initial outset of the second half, if any one of those multiple chances goes in before 50 minutes, and it is a completely different game. But last night the chips didn’t fall our way.
And of course the more you bomb forward the more you’re susceptible for the counter. What annoyed me when they scored again was how similar it was to the first goal. I don’t think it is any secret that I am not Courtois’s biggest fan, and I won’t lay all of the blame at his clown feet. But I was livid on the second. His arms were stuck by his sides as the ball came in. An unforgivably lazy attempt at getting to the ball. Punch it. Punch the f*cker. If you take the cheat’s head off his shoulders in the process so be it. As a top level keeper the only thing on his mind should be getting that ball away from the goal. Not half jumping and waving a limp hand at it after you’ve let their man get his head to it.
The Alonso change was out of necessity, more than anything. Shock and dismay about the night he had did make me giggle. We like him, he’s been good for us this season. But I think any one of us with an ounce of footballing savvy knows that he is not a top, top level player. So a night up against Walker was always going to be massively torrid for him. This is one of the positions we will undoubtedly strengthen.
I liked the other two subs, I did. Kante off for Fabregas. (You couldn’t have taken Matic off last night, carnage would have ensued) Yes we lose Kante’s energy, but at 78 minutes and 2-0 down you don’t need energy. They had just as much energy. You need killer passes to scythe through the midfield. And within thirty seconds, Cesc had found Diego, though he was offside on that occasion. Bringing on another striker too, great, showed intent to get something out of the game. But they both came too late for a two goal deficit. One, fine, but not two. Fabregas had less than a quarter of an hour to try and seize control of the game, and what Michy and Costa could fashion in five minutes is questionable. I think Conte hedged his bets for too long. I understand, I do. 2-0 is a defeat. 3-0 is a drubbing, but it was either that or he wasn’t exactly sure what to do the way the game unfolded. When the changes did come though, I think they were brave and they showed adaptability. I just wish they’d happened sooner.
Refwatch: Meh. He wasn’t awful. But he wasn’t great either. I lost count of how many consecutive, cynical fouls he watched on Hazard without producing a yellow until the 40th minute. And Victor Moses must be knobbing his wife because he got the living sh*t kicked out of him all night. (Though he called it right in dismissing the penalty claim) The linesmen were a gutless pair of flaccid morons. I don’t think I can remember a game when I’ve seen two of them support a referee less.
So: After about three years, Vertonghen has been displaced as my most hated player. Danny Rose and his thirty yards gained on every throw in, his play-acting and his filthy late tackles have promoted him to the footballer I’d most like to see with stumps where his legs were. Three awful, nasty challenges way off the ball in the first half hour and all unpunished. It didn’t get any better. He's not a c*nt. He's not even a thunder*unt. He's a magnificent shitc*nt (c)
Actually he's all three. And yes. He did cry at Stamford Bridge. A lot.
Reasons to be cheerful include the fact that Janice (muppet alias) and I burned nearly 600 calories on the walk to and from Seven Sisters. And didn’t get stabbed. Although it was pointed out that we passed about a dozen establishments calling themselves “The Best Kebab.” (Are the locals that stupid?) That and we journeyed past more half rotten, indistinguishable vegetables abandoned in boxes outside shops with half the letters missing from their signage than you find in Croydon on market day, which is saying something.
The wheels have not come off. We may have forgotten what it is like to lose, and it may be extra irksome that it happened against those c*nts, but let’s keep our eyes on the prize. We didn’t set out this season with the intention of breaking a Gooner record nobody could have related off the top of their head until the media started obsessing over it. We wanted top four. Now Conte has done so well and we’ve established ourselves at the top, we’d quite like to stay there and win the league. In fourteen matches, this is the first one that didn’t go our way. We are five points clear at the summit. Offer that to anyone else and they’d bite your hand off. So let the f*ckmuppets celebrate like they have won a trophy for the first time since Britain joined Europe in the first place. All they achieved last night was reducing their deficit to us out of double figures, which can’t even touch what we did to them last year, when we could barely string two passes together. Also, good luck keeping your run up dickheads, when you’ve got those all-important Europa League fixtures flying your way on a Thursday night.
In the words of Trigger 13 in a row, well done. Now we go again.
And here is another quote for you:
“We will either find a way, or we will make one.” Antonio Conte, 2016.
OK, so he might have ripped it off from some dead Carthaginian, but we have a manager that is smart enough to quote legendary military commanders from antiquity. West Ham have got a guy who looks like Jaws from the Bond films and Palace have got, well, a man whose IQ is battling to transcend that of the knackered chewing gum he spits out in dugouts up and down the country.