So - rather than subject myself to either England matches, or Twilight films, I blogged US Election Night for football loving laymen. (And laywomen) Note: As the clock ticked on the gin consumption increased and the line between notes on Plumer’s plan for Menin Ridge that I was supposed to be making started blurring with the election coverage and got a little bit trippy. Like Dumbo with all the dancing neon elephants.
I should add. I don’t like either of them. Both, in my humble opinion are a step backwards for mankind. Hilary, however, has at least some professional credentials, whilst I find The Donald to be a truly repulsive human being, as well as being unqualified. For me, she would be a backwards step, he could be a Luis Suarez dive back into the dark ages.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED:
How this shit works:
When you get more votes in a state, you take ALL of the electoral votes for that state.
The first person to get to 270 of these electoral votes gets to live in the White House. So it’s like the golden goal scenario.
States have varying numbers of votes depending on how many people live there. Vermont has 3, I think New York has like, 29.
*Disclaimer - Everything I know about US electoral politics came from watching Jimmy Smits’s campaign in Season 7 of the West Wing. So I could be talking out of my arse.
A breakdown of the candidates:
Hilary Clinton is a democrat. A massively unpopular one. She was the one who was married to Bill Clinton, who banged his intern and then blamed it on spinach. She was blue when they started colouring in the map. She sent a shit load of emails from a dodgy address when she was the US equivalent of Foreign Secretary. The FBI haven’t followed it up - they basically said she was stupid, but not a crook. Lots of Americans don’t buy this. Also, a lot of Americans already hated her, and/or her husband for various reasons such as laws he passed and them being viewed as politically elitist. She is at least qualified, having been in politics for three decades. She’s basically Alex Ferguson. Holds herself a cut above and the rules don’t seem to apply.
Donald Trump is a chauvinist, racist, religious bigot. Bits he won on the map were coloured red (booo) Money in Presidential races means rich moron candidates can get further than those who don’t have it. But it isn’t just money. He has appealed to a lot of Americans having a rough time economically or those who have issues about immigration, how they are going to pay for essentials like healthcare. Unfortunately, some of the rhetoric he has used to convince people mirrors Hitler in the 1930s and includes saying ridiculous, non-implementable (if it isn’t a word, it is now) things like “I’m going to build a massive wall so Mexicans can’t get in, and Mexico are going to pay for it.” He is NOT a traditional Republican. In fact, he has no political experience that would make him fit to be the most powerful politician in the world. Therefore a lot of traditional Republicans are pretty much devastated that this idiot is associated with their party. They are not necessarily voting for him as they automatically would normally, as they don’t think he is representative of their party. He is Mourinho. You either want to leap on him and have his babies or headbutt him. Repeatedly.
There are alternatives, but basically like they are like our Green Party. They turn up and campaign and everyone says, aw, isn’t that nice, but practically nobody votes for them. Or if they do, it is because they hate the others. Either way, they have no chance of winning. They’re like Ronald Koeman. Inoffensive, but a bit beige.
So basically, a lot of Americans feel like they have to choose between a she-devil and a wanker. The pair should be grateful they ran against each other. Because otherwise they would have got nowhere near this far. I’ve chatted to a few Americans in the last few weeks, including a Democrat who voted as he always does even though he can’t stand Hilary, and a fierce Republican who doesn’t like Trump but would chew off his own arm before he voted in any way that would power her to the White House. It boils down to whether or not we will see a first female president, or an inflammatory orange madman as the next leader of the free world. Strap in. This could be a terrifying ride.
All times are GMT. Because that is where I live. And my maths is too shit to turn it into anything else.
11:45 BBC tells us increasing number of people hate politicians. This is not a surprise. Social Media + no place to hid in this Big Brother dystopia we have created for ourselves = the sad realisation that most people are wankers. (Just ask Prince Harry, poor lamb) Can you imagine sots like Winston Churchill or womanisers like Asquith remaining in office in the 21st Century? Doesn’t mean that they weren’t good at their jobs though…
11:55 Trump projected to take KENTUCKY and INDIANA - no surprise. Hilary has VERMONT. Which means we are on a collision course with Armageddon in terms of electoral votes. But its early days. No reason to start excavating the Anderson shelter in the back garden yet. Electoral vote-wise, he is still on the back foot. It’s basically like when Arsenal go top and you think “meh, they won’t be there at the end”.
00:00 Quite a lot of gin has gone down now. George Dubbya did not vote for Trump. Here beginneth the Republican party distancing itself from The Donald in preparation for his defeat, it seems. It is about as rare as rocking horse shit for a former Republican President NOT to vote for the Republican candidate. It is basically about as unbelievable as Leicester winning the league.
00:15 America is changing. Historically, you could call a state based on which areas were blue collar workers, which were high in terms of minority population etc. across the country. However, some areas are now little more than 50% white and 50% ethnic minorities. Demographics are changing and this means that the way states are voting is changing. This makes a difference tonight when you consider that Trump has called Mexicans rapists (don’t ask) as well as the wall-building comments. Reports are saying its bumped a HUGE number of Hispanic voters to get to the poles to vote against him. He also got busted going on about grabbing women by the p****y and talking about being able to shag whoever he wants. Safe to say that a lot of women were not endeared by this. His team will be worried about this. He will be too busy applying spray tan and talking nonsense to notice much.
01:00 TWENTY states are closing their polls. The huge one in this batch is Florida, which you can’t predict. This means it is one of the swing states. NEW JERSEY is projected blue. WEST VIRGINIA and MISSISSIPPI are projected for Trump. (Projected means that basically, if the result they are saying does not happen it will be more shocking than the Mikel getting nominated for a Balon D’or) Still very early, now, if you’re of the reluctant Hilary camp, you are basically at the point when Chelsea are 2-0 up and we think “I want another two before I am even remotely convinced that we are going to win this.”
01:27 There is a bonkers man who seems to think Jesus and God have raised Trump up for the office because he supports abortion. This is a massive issue in US politics. Republicans are conservative and more likely to be against, Democrats more likely to be for a woman’s right to choose/planned parenthood etc. He is trying to claim that Jay-Z is a bigger misogynist than Trump and that the latter just has a potty mouth. BBC pundits shaking heads in disbelief. Cleveland correspondents looks horrified. He is punted off air swiftly. He had no comment on Trump’s comments about women or muslims. That comes under the mere potty mouth category, whereas hugging Jay-Z is evil personified. A twat, maybe, but Satan? Probably not.
01:42 Things are closing up. Hilary took RHODE ISLAND, MARYLAND, DELAWARE, D.C., The Donald has OKLAHOMA and ALABAMA. It’s neck and neck. It’s like that unnerving point when last season we realised that Sp*rs were actually serious title contenders.
01:48 Nigel Farage is on. Jesus. He actually just uttered the words “Jaw jaw, is better that war war.” I still want to punch him regardless of the sentiment. He seems to be angling for a job as a US Ambassador in Brussels. He is Ian Holloway. Total bollocks comes out of his mouth, but you aren’t actually concerned he can do much damage.
02:00 14 more states closing. Trump has basically taken the whole of the middle of the country. He is ahead, but a lot of those states don’t have a lot of electoral votes. For instance, WYOMING has 3. Even so, he has TEXAS, which has 38, so he is is 123 to 97. It is (worryingly) a lot closer than people expected. Think, watching Torres run towards the Barcelona goal. So much time to ponder disaster, whilst you plead “please don’t eff this up America.”
02:30 Tumbleweed at Hilary HQ - lots of swing states look like they might be heading the way of The Donald… but none have been declared. Atmosphere rather like the United team bus pulling out of Stamford Bridge a couple of weeks ago.
02:40 I’m rather loving the poor manic Republican woman on the end of the panel who is a champ. She ends every sentence with HE’S NOT A REAL REPUBLICAN and much handwringing.
03:00 Safe to say the Democrats are crapping themselves a bit. Listening to a political commentator, they seem to think that working class white people are turning out to vote for Trump in spades. They feel like the political system has failed them, they are hard up and want change and the orange nutter appeals to them. They keep using the phrase “ex-urban” too to describe areas. To us in Britain, you haven’t got mad. This is not a real word. This is just people who live in the countryside.
03:20 The polls are so wrong, by the looks of it, that they think people have lied about voting for Trump in exit polls. So they don’t want to admit they have voted for him… but they have. Which means this whole panel of experts is basically out of a job.
OHIO KNOWS - They have been predicting the winning candidate since flares were fashionable and it was okay to pat women on the arse. (The Donald didn’t get the memo on that one) Also, no Republican has ever won without taking Ohio. Trump has just smashed it. We’re doomed.
03:30 Clinton takes VIRGINIA, by a MUCH smaller margin than anyone expected. She’s also now taken COLORADO - which means I’ve decided against doing shots of Jack Daniels, for now, at least. It’s 131 to 168 at the moment. Don’t forget it’s the first to 270.
03:50 There’s another religious representative on - his take is that he had to look at both candidates and that Trump came closer to what the word of God tells him is right. He mentioned abortion again. Personally, I am no pro or anti abortion, but I have a hard time accepting that the notion of a total stranger’s right to choose is something that disgusts other people so much as to make them vote against you if you are not willing to condemn them for the choice that they make. The guy next to him was a republican who voted for Clinton because he said when he looked at the ticked he couldn’t vote for Trump. He said if he wins, he couldn’t sleep at night knowing he had any hand in it.
04:00 People are drifting away from the large hall that was supposed to host the Hilary victory party. Those that are left just a bit of a cheer because she has taken CALIFORNIA and its massive 55 electoral votes. This was wholly expected and she’s now in the lead 190 to 172, but she’s getting screwed by votes coming out of the midwest. There are 14 states to call and just about enough of them look to be heading his way.
04:25 It looks increasingly like Trump is going to take it. Interestingly states that Clinton didn’t spend much time at all in, the likes of Michigan and Wisconsin, might going to help swing it for her opponent.
04:37 It is looking really bleak for Clinton. Trump takes FLORIDA. They’re interviewing some pretty devastated first/second generation American immigrants in Philadelphia who are pretty scared about what this means for them. One of them looks like she is going to sob live on camera. They believe the leader of their adopted country now is a man that hates them. His rhetoric including anti-immigrant slurs and comments that advocated stopping Muslims from entering the US. Hilary HQ is basically awash with tears. They look like the Kop end after Gerrard slipped and watched Demba Ba go flying by.
04:44 Mexican currency is taking a nosedive. Some of the things he has promised threaten to severely dent their economy - to the tune of billions, though I’m not sure how much of these things he could implement. And there is this bloody wall. That he is adamant he is going to put up. And that he adamant the Mexicans will pay for. (Incidentally, they’ve said not a chance)
05:00 Trump HQ gets ready to party. Someone at the front of the crowd has a “Bikers Love Trump” poster. There is actually a chance now that Clinton will get more votes from the population but not enough electoral ones to become President.
My take? What this tells you that middle America is so pissed off with what the establishment hasn’t done for them that they were willing to vote for a nutjob. Women DID vote for Trump, and so did ethnic minorities. This also tells you that there are going to be hundreds of Republicans who sacked him off kissing arse with immediate effect. Starting with the BBC’s manic Republican woman.
This is going to send shockwaves around the world. Right about the time you read this the financial markets are going to bombing. This is as unexpected as Robinho - was that his name? Clinton’s camp had their party poppers ready, she had a squad number, they were printing up their shirts. Right now Obama (Democrat) has a 54% approval rating, the highest since Ronald Regan, and yet they are projecting that the party will now be in a minority everywhere in government. They will be kicking themselves that they have failed to beat possibly the most beatable candidate that the Republicans have ever put up. This guy is a businessman, who has never held political office. He has pissed off huge numbers of Americans, most of who have not voted for him. He’s also wound up huge numbers of people around the world. He has incited racial tensions, he’s made appalling comments about ethnicities, women, religions, he makes reality TV shows, for goodness sake. When people attended his rallies some of them ended up punching each other in the face. This man is not qualified in the slightest for the terrifying job he now has. We all just have to trust that he will be surrounded by smarter people throughout that will keep him on short leash and save us all from ending up in a world that resembles LA after Skynet have finished with it in The Terminator. Silver lining, Hilary Clinton isn't President.