So for a while I’ve been on a quest to find the worst film on Netflix. The rules are simple, it can’t go on your list unless you sit through it until the credits roll. So, “Enough” with Jennifer Lopez was winning (I’d literally had enough after ten minutes but I made it to the end.) This international break I decided to roll out the big guns. Twilight. In retrospect, this was not so much funny as just plain stupid. Also, a lot of gin was involved. Then I thought about ranting about it on the blog and voila.
This challenge turned out to be simultaneously the most hilarious and disturbing thing I have ever seen.
In film one a moody teenage girl with emotional issues and oversized front teeth moves in with her dad and a whole load of attachment issues that result in her clinging like a limpet to Cedric Diggory from the Harry Potter films. He turns out to be a vampire. (Conveniently the fact that he is a soulless blood sucker is avoided at all costs and he is portrayed merely as a very pasty boy band member who goes shiny in sunlight.) He only sucks on animals apparently. So that’s ok then. This was basically it. Evidently the production team realised after what seems like five HOURS that nothing else was happening and they needed to end this shit and suddenly out of nowhere there is some vendetta with some angry vampires and a really creepy scene where Cedric is sucking on her arm. (I think we are supposed to warm to him because he packs it in before she dies.) Which unfortunately means there is a sequel.
Moving on to film two. He leaves her. Possibly because she turns into an incessant, age-obsessed nag who won’t shut up about him making her a vampire too. And she spends an hour or so displaying completely unrealistic mourning tendencies that any sane parent would have had her committed for. Literally, it puts Queen Victoria to SHAME. As it is her dad just threatens to send her back to her mother. (Punishment indeed - as she is blatantly a mad stoner in denial that she is approaching menopause.) Enter scowly teen who is apparently a werewolf, stomping around being pissed off. Possibly not a werewolf. Probably hallucinations brought on by the rampant steroid use between the first and second films. Anyway. He wants her to be his girlfriend. But then he also doesn’t in case he accidentally eats her. And I thought I had it hard as a teenager. Having buggered off and given us all a break from his mopey anaemic expression for much of the film (I rejoiced), the pasty one, relying on visions from his cracked out vampire sister, thinks the girl with issues is dead, (If only) then tries to top himself by glistening in public (what the fuck?) Which involves a mad dash to Italy by her during which at no point does a sensible adult intervene, so she can stop him. It left a multitude of questions unanswered, such as, where did she get the air fare? And, does the vampire sister have a passport? How did they manage to hire a car? Unfortunately he survives and comes back, resulting in three more films. (By the way, I think the vampire “family” is code for an endless gangbang. There is something really pervy about it. Oh, and Daddy Vampire, who is about five minutes older than the rest of them, he’s a doctor. Instead of eating people he wants to fix them. It’s so poetic. If I was a complete fucking sap this might have brought a tear to my eye.)
By the beginning of the third film, at least the father has realised that his kid has serious fucking issues and that less time spent with pasty bloke is better. In fact, unbeknownst (great word) to him, she’s deteriorated even further. Now she has succeeded in convincing someone to bite her after graduation. (A rare display of prioritising sensible objectives.) This makes scowly steroid wolf boy even more pissed off. It could just be roid rage. Also, he appears to have neither the funds nor the inclination to facilitate wearing a shirt anymore. Ever. At some point, although the wolves and the vampires hate each other they decide to team up because some quickly fabricated bad shit is to go down. This facilitates heart to heart between the two idiots who haven’t sussed that this girl is bad news. She snogs the wolf, but agrees to marry the pasty one, but she also loves the wolf. The fact that she can’t make up her mind between steroid wolf and Cedric surely should tell her that committing to umpteenth lifetimes and you know, picking death, is jumping the gun a bit. This is on top of planning to do a runner for good without telling her parents. Shortly afterwards the battle starts, against who, I honestly don’t care anymore, but it involves Richie Cunningham from Happy Days’s daughter. Note that the miserable vampire lover is not there doing any of the fighting. She is hiding in snow covered mountains with no coat on and not shivering. (the one that caused all this) Apparently, she never felt normal (er, what teenager does?) so this becoming a vampire is a justifiable career path. It apparently proves she is doing it for the right reasons. Jesus wept. There are literally no limits to how selfish these idiots are. So unfortunately, every one is still alive, and they are all buddies now. I envy Richie’s daughter having her head ripped off, because she won’t have to sit through two more films.
But I am not determined to sit through this dogshit till the bitter end now in the name of blogging, and because I can’t stand losing. Which is less of a stretch than this Godforsaken plot. Film four begins with my worst nightmare. Wedding. He reveals he actually ate some people. But its ok because they were potential rapist murderers. ‘You probably saved more lives than you took,” she says. I had to knock it on the head for the day at this for fear of choking on my own vomit. The parents are actually up for this, by the way. This might be the hardest thing to swallow so far in this series of drivel, and that is saying something. They haven’t put their 18 year old emotionally disturbed kid in the boot of a car and got her the fuck out of there. And only one person has the sense to ask if she is knocked up. At the beginning of these films he couldn’t sniff her without wanting to chow down. Now we’re supposed to believe that 200 odd vampires are civil enough to attend a wedding mounted with a human buffet and it ends well. Sigh. Then you have to sit through the honeymoon. When he takes her to South America. Yep, not danger from sunlight there. It got worse when after two weeks (yes, two weeks it felt like it) she realises she is pregnant. Pasty boy trips out (yup, not so perfect now you realise you can knock her up, is she) Wolfboy, who has clothes again, and a motorcycle, is pissed off. Again. My next worst nightmare? Pregnancy talk, none of which covers how a dead bloke makes sperm. Including obviously cartoon wolves talking about babies. This must be what it feels like to have a season ticket for a team managed by Tony Pulis. So now the writers have suddenly realised again that there is no action (seeing a pattern here?) so immediately everyone wants to kill the pregnant bird and her demon spawn. Out of everything, I have the least trouble believing this. I then had to sit through vampire twat CHEWING the baby out of her. (I was actually losing the will to live myself at this point.) Which of course kills her. So now, wait for it… it’s ok to turn her into a vampire. And Wolf Boy has decided he is going imprint himself on the baby. So now it’s safe. I shit you not. People flocked to the cinema for this garbage. And it still isn’t over. She wakes up as a vampire, and this sorry franchise goes on.
So film five, (which I decided to do despite the risk now of clawing my own eyes out) infinitely more pointless than splitting the last Harry Potter book into two films and putting us all through “Harry Potter and the Long Arse Camping Trip.” But this is the last one, praise baby Jesus. I will not be defeated.
She wakes up in full face makeup and we are led to believe that being dead is better than being alive, because you are thinner (i.e. on the fringe of anorexia) prettier (airbrushed) and hornier. (I’m going to go out on a limb and say the maniac that wrote this made her therapist, very VERY rich, especially with the obsession about remaining eighteen FOREVER). There’s a load of domesticated vampire shit, except the fact that everyone else seems to be doing the parenting for a CGI baby. (Had to be computer generated because no sane parent would let their child near the scene of this madness.) Yawn, yawn, double yawn - child (who is a mute, I wouldn’t want to engage the gangbang vampire ‘family’ in conversation either) ageing faster than Charlotte Church when she discovered alcopops.
(Speaking of the ‘family,’ I was always under the impression that when the ‘mother’ was in Grey’s Anatomy, they used prosthetics to make her face look like that after it was supposed to have been rebuilt when a ten ton concrete pylon fell on it, but it turns out that is JUST her face!)
Familiar dilemma - there appears to be no plot. So let’s make one up sharpish. Brian Clough wants to kill the vampire spawn. Well, the guy who was Brian Clough in The Damn United who is now shaming himself in this shit with a bad wig on. For no apparent reason, or one that I missed because I, just, didn’t, give, a shit anymore, the answer to this is an endless stream of ethnic minorities wearing contact lenses come and sit while the mute spawn rubs their faces, and now they’re like, a gang, or something. The stereotyping of nationalities is so racist it is laughable. Fat ginger Irish people, albino Russians, South American generic tribespeople in loin cloths. I’m just sitting here watching the clock go down. And so it ambles on and on. And there isn’t nearly enough bloodshed and none of them die. There was a promising moment when the ground opened up and attempted to swallow Cedric, but unfortunately he survived. Actually the whole fight scene wasn’t real. What? So there is no fight scene. Whatever, at least it means it is almost over. If I hadn’t been watching the US Open out of the corner of my eye to keep a tangible link with something sane this might well have ended me. (Damn you, Nishikori, you are messing up my accumulator!) What happened in the end? Nothing. More sappy indie music, more yapping, and I think the wolf is going to bang the little girl. Another example of a young woman being robbed of all her choices in life so a pouty bloke can hump her.
In summary I blame this whole series on a lack of discipline on the part of her mother, and the absence of the father in her formative years, as well as the woman that wrote it being patently bonkers. Had there been some sort of psychiatric intervention either on her or her characters a) this shit wouldn’t have lasted as long and b) there would have been more gender positive and not 16th Century in its portrayal of a young woman who’s biggest want in life is to trail after her boyfriend for eternity, have babies and do what he tells her. At no point does she consider just fucking off the werewolf and the vampire and say, finishing her education and living a normal life. This is bad on so many levels.
To end, this is the most backward, chauvinistic, emotionally disturbed claptrap ever penned. Presumably this has given an entire generation of brainwashed pre-teenage girls completely unrealistic relationship expectations, as well as convincing them that you’re better off dead before you suffer the ignominy of your nineteenth birthday. In reality, these two were together, she cheated on him with a married bloke like a slutbag and he dumped her. And she ended up gay. That is reality people. Also, if a bloke has 110 odd years experience of being a bloke and hasn’t tried to bang you, till the fourth film, there is something wrong with him. Do not let your daughters watch this shit. It will set them back 200 years.
The fact that the author is minted and none of the massively talented writers I know are, makes me despair of the literary profession. That it is penned by a mother, who has ACTUAL RESPONSIBILITY over tiny human lives is truly terrifying. I am the furthest thing from a bra-burning feminist, but Emmeline Pankhurst is literally rolling in her grave right now.