From Meaningless Friendly to SILVERWARE in Six Penalties

Chelsea 1 Villareal 1 (Chelsea win 6-5 on Penalties) 
UEFA Super Cup, 11th August 2021 20:00

There’s a right circle jerk going on with strikers going backwards and forwards to Italy this week. Lukaku to Chelsea, Abraham to Roma and Dzeko to Inter. At least we’re apparently sensible enough to stick a buy back clause in this time. Across the market, Lukaku to Chelsea, Varane to United, City got their man in Grealish, Messi to PSG. Is anyone else pissing themselves that Arsenal are after Aaron Ramsdale? They’re window has thus far been the same flaccid (love that word) clusterf*ck it always is and promises hours of endless fun laughing at their mid-table misfortune. Spawn points out he is a bad relegation juju merchant. Went to Bournemouth, relegated. Joined Sheffield United, they went down. Watch this space… 

All the lols came from Spain this week. In Madrid, Real find one more way to stick it to Gareth Bale and his sh*tty man-bun by giving him number 50 for his latest outing. I don’t know what the most beautiful moment of the whole Messi melodrama has been. Is it him sobbing like a little bitch-baby on his way out the door? Is it the wider connotations of the Farcelona implosion? I mean let’s face it, they are Spanish Scousers. The level of sanctimony, smug self-aggrandisement and all that “more than just a football club” sh*t is gagworthy. Or is it the fact that he offered to half his wages and couldn’t stay because Samuel Umtiti refused to take a pay cut. Or could it just be the total meltdown by their wanky fans trying to grass PSG for FFP out of nothing but a miserable desire to throw their toys out of their prams? Personally, I will take all of them and a large gin and tonic to enjoy watching them all suffer

Teams: Same line-up for us as started against Sp*rs so he’s gone with the fittest possible team. On the bench though, which was exciting, were all the players who were not national embarrassments over the summer are back. As far as they are concerned, there was a Sp*rs reject who would surely bottle it at some stage and a former Watford dude.

Rio Ferdinand led the “opening ceremony” out and for one awful moment we thought he was going to sing the national anthem. Thankfully we were spared. It was a fast paced start, slightly shambolic. Took us about five minutes to settle in then Alonso, with the most glorious George Michael summer tribute hair he’s yet managed, put it across the face of goal. Werner could have grabbed a surprise opener seconds later but a reflex stop saved the keeper’s blushes. CHO at wing back was looking up for it, but it was Kante who had the next go on eight minutes. Vindication here for Tuchel already, picking the same side that did so well in the opening hour against the Sp*ds. 

Dopey corner given away on 10 minutes so first test for us at the back. Looked a bit hairy but Kante ran the ball down. The waxwork vampire was going ballistic in their technical area. Yet another chap who’s left Arsenal then actually won something. Lols. Most entertaining part of the night so far was watching the UEFA delegate have to keep going to get him when he went wandering up the pitch. 

Pretty end to end now, but with no terrifying moments for either keeper. Referee doing a good job of letting the game flow despite some theatrical rolling about on the floor from the Spaniards. 

Great ball in on 23 after a mass of build up play. Unfortunately it fell to Trevor, who was more concerned with keeping them out of the other net on his big night and fluffed it. We forgive him.

71% possession so far, so a good continuation of the last friendly. They were more match fit than us though, so we needed to make it count. Which we did three minutes later thanks to Ziyech once again. Great run from Havertz, pass was sublime and there he was waiting to pounce. Werner deserves credit for just leaving it the f*ck alone too. 

They had a couple of half chances to level it straight away, but never could grasp one of them properly. Great save from Mendy on 32 before Zouma had a decent chance to double the lead. Take back everything nice I said about the referee after he penalised Kovacic for getting shoved on his arse. 

Ziyech off on 40 minutes after buggering up his shoulder. Hard to see exactly what happened. Pulisic scrambled to replace him. The half closed out with Rudiger being shamelessly booked for hardly touching one of theirs, and Alberto Moreno rattling the woodwork. How humiliating would it have been if that sad little Scouse reject had put them back on level terms. 

Side netting from Havertz after the break. They absolutely should have capitalised on complete f*ckwittery on our part on 50 mins and somehow Moreno (the other one) managed to fail one on one with Mendy who tipped it onto the post. Causing our own problems here, as opposed to them massively upping their game. 

A mad long range shot from Rudiger is still travelling somewhere over Northern Ireland. Subs incoming. Someone needs to tell Jorginho it’s not 1996 and he’s not Robbie Fowler and that that hair was sh*t then. Captain Kante off for him; Werner replaced by Mason Mount and Andreas Christensen for Zouma, instead of Rudi on his yellow. So first minutes in the legs for that trio. 

Balls. They’d been knocking on the door for a while, and you just knew eventually that they’d find a way through. Gave the ball away on the edge of the box, defence all over the place, nobody tracking Moreno into the book. Dumbarses.

Dave coming on for CHO now as we try to balance preparing for the weekend with a trophy. For one hilarious moment it looked like sub Pulisic was being subbed, but it turned out the 4th official was just illiterate. Great ball in from Alonso on 80 minutes but the keeper managed to get to it. Did clean out his own man though. 

We thought Alonso had spared us extra time right at the last but it was only the side netting. Spawn and I are definitely not match fit yet. 

And so it went on. On 99 minutes we thought Pulisic had it. He ended up in the back of the net. The ball did not. Grrr. Great run from Mason Mount though. Not a lot else to keep me awake. Villarreal look fitter, but neither side, frankly, looked like they have this extra half an hour in their legs. Mount put us out of our misery on 107 but a diving save from the keeper denied us. Much longer and everyone but Chalobah and Alonso are going to be dragging themselves around by their hands. Villareal were either just as knackered or playing for penalties. Three times I must have looked up and thought “who’s got a head bandage on?” Three times I realised it was just Jorginho’s hair. The shame. Him. Not me.

Well suddenly TT decided to throw us a bone to wake us up by bringing Kepa on randomly for the penalty shoot out. I mean what other possible explanation if not “sh*ts and giggles?” The fact that nobody looked remotely surprised indicates this was planned well in advance. Nobody knew why. Would have pissed myself laughing if Mendy had refused to go off. 

Havertz fails after telegraphing his intentions to the keeper. How would Kepa respond? By going the wrong way. 

Dave steps up - smashes it, then Kepa pulls a save out of the bag so it’s back to square one with 

Alonso for number three. Almost fell on his arse, but sent the keeper the wrong way. Might we actually do this? Kepa booked for getting in the way, then sent in the wrong direction again. 2-2 it is. 

Up comes Mason Mount: roles it in nonchalantly. Over to super sub again who very, very nearly saved it. 3-3. 

Spawn started having flashbacks to the Euros when Jorginho stepped up. Annoying little skip and taps it down the middle. Filth. 

So it's all over to one bloke in yellow who looked like he was crapping himself but nonetheless sent Kepa the wrong way and banged it in the corner. 

Up comes Pulisic. No run up, no question. Will the former Sp*rs man bottle it? No. Evidently it’s not terminal and one can be rehabilitated. 

Rudiger it is. Straight run, straight in the middle of the net. Keep it simple if you’re a centre back. Albiol up… it’s on target but KEPA WINS THE SUPER CUP FOR CHELSEA. Smiles for the first time in living memory. See you later, I’m off to see the flabbergasted meltdown on social media. 

Debrief moment so far. Rio before the shootout: “I’d have said Chelsea but now Mendy’s gone off I’ve got to go Villareal.” Doh. 

AC

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