Manchester United 4 Chelsea 0
Sunday 11th August 2019 16:30
Me and my epic toothache went all the way to Manchester and all we got as this lousy referee who doesn’t know what a head injury looks like. A reality check, but nowhere near worthy of soiling ourselves over.
In the News: Not much since the previews. Just some Blue Squirrel on Luiz, who says he went to L’Arse to win trophies. Had become utterly dominant in the dressing room. Also, you think Jorginho was the biggest Sarri advocate in there? Think again. Add that to the fact that things have never been comfortable between He and Frank, and it was a no brainer.
The Others: Sheldon (Sitcom alias) reckons the Red Scouse keepers sound like a middle aged couple. Adrian and Allison. We’ve decided they live in Hemel Hempstead and go on caravan holidays to Wales. First goal of the season was scored by the opposition. Imagine my surprise. Same applies to how lucky Sp*rs got to get back in against Villa. L’Arse inspired nobody. VAR ran amok this weekend, and frankly there is much more I’d rather do with my life every week than reanalyse every decision. One thing is certain, even after sitting through that official Premier League brainwashing session. Even I didn’t grasp how much football will never be the same again. And that makes me sad. Granted we were at one of the only ridiculous, wank grounds that is unable to properly engage the crowd with VAR because they won’t buy a television, but I honestly feel like my long term future as a match going fan is longer a given.
Us: What a start for Mount to negotiate. Same for Tammy. Youngest Chelsea starting eleven since the last time Allardyce managed to notch his belt.
Never seen such a comparative lack of home shirts in the Chelsea end. Probably because it’s wank.
Emerson left them for dust in the opening minutes but couldn’t hold it up long enough to play the ball in, Kovacic managed that, but it floated way too long and into De Gea’s hands. Then it was Mason’s turn to burst free. Then Tammy hit the post. A really positive start. Five minutes in and they’d not been out of their own half once. They couldn’t retain the ball for sh*t.
Barkley’s turn next but he ran into trouble. A few wayward balls, but the determination to win the it back was notable from the very beginning. Across the face of goal on nine minutes, so close for Tammy again. Long rang shot from Mount went straight into De Gea’s hands, and conversely, fifteen minutes and they’ve not had anything resembling a shot.
We did, however, resemble the Red Scouse when Klopp first arrived. We ran about like head-cases for the opening twenty. If we had scored, great, but we didn’t. And much like them, when we didn’t get that early goal, we then started to slow down and they got a proper foothold in the game while we had knackered ourselves for nothing.
Penalty. Zouma caught out. Not that we got to see the replay because the richest club in the world are too f*cking tight to buy a tv. Surely in 2019 and with the onset of this technology it should be f*cking mandatory? Although it’s not like we were in any doubt about whether the Premier League give a toss about the match going fan.
Never was a lead less deserved. Never was “we forgot that you were here” more relevant. Plastic bastards. Set play defending wobbly on 21, but decisive from Christensen on the corner that followed. We were clearly shaken by that travesty. Anthony Taylor making Manc friends by ignoring head injuries and then pulling it back after they’d almost capitalised on Christensen leaving a gap in the defence by being semi-conscious.
Couldn’t get a hold back in the game at this point. Apart from when we gave the game up as lost, this was the only time they looked like the better side. Zouma looked more nervous than Lukaku turning up for his Slimming World weekly weigh in. Half an hour and we had a couple of opportunities to whack it in their box, but failed. Then Tammy was in with Ross but couldn’t quite poke it through to him. Bit if inexperience showing, perhaps, from some of the little’uns. Must be clinical.
Checking Goal said VAR with their offside effort. What f*cking goal? Not even Stevie f*cking Wonder would have had that reviewed. Peasants. Then Zouma finally gets a tackle in and climbs back on the horse, and Taylor books him. Twat.
Shot from Ross saved on 39, pile driver follow up from Pedro Pony blocked. Then underside of the crossbar from Emerson a minute later. But for a splinter of wood or a bit of luck we could have converted any one of five attempts in the opening half.
Two minutes added on. We had the ball for all of it and barely got a shot off. That was the first time today where I thought “I miss Eden,” but lots to be positive about. They, on the other hand, were disgustingly fortunate. Felt like the introduction of any one of Kante, The Beard, possibly Pusilic could swing the play fully in our favour.
Corner straight off on the restart, Zouma almost got his big head on it but not quite. They must have fast tracked Slab’ead through his induction because he’s already got the odious whining red Manc thing down pat.
Refwatch: Anthony Taylor. In case you hadn’t noticed. VAR doesn’t make me want to bitch slap his overly shiny head any less. In case you hadn’t noticed. Another biased yellow on Jorginho five minutes into the second half. No free kicks for us when we get flattened, half the challenge immediately after and we get pulled. They even check it for a red card. Ludicrous. Use of VAR today was baffling, didn’t tie in with things we were told at Stockley Park. Not helped by fact that Taylor is a same snivelling little dog-nonce. Sorry, forgot, snivelling little dog-nonce FROM GREATER MANCHESTER. A computer intervention is not going to improve my opinion of this fool’s contribution to the refereeing world. It would take a miracle. And hard drugs.
Shot from them blocked soon afterwards, couldn’t get it away until Ross finally dug it out and booted it upfield. Palmed away by De Gea on 55. No card for trying to kill Pulisic. No free kick for Tammy being pulled down either. In fact, I guarantee you they conveniently decided that it wasn’t even classed as being in the same “phase of play” as the goal that immediately followed at the other end and therefore they ignored it when they did the mandatory review of the f*cking thing. Even if they wouldn’t have crossed the hallway line without committing it. Then a minute later it was three. Utter smash and grab by a team that have been second best for all but fifteen minutes.
The Beard on. Then a short while later Kante for Jorginho, who was on that pathetic yellow. Taylor predictably started to actually officiate the game now they were three clear. At this point my painkillers started to wear off. And I still had twenty minutes of this wank-puffin’s refereeing to endure. Pusilic did well on his debut considering the state of the game, Mount I thought was better in the second half. A lot more confident on the ball. They were actually singing Chequebook Pulis’s name like rampant hypocrites when yet another break occurred because Taylor ignored our centre back lying prone on the floor. Almost a goal for Mount on 84 but that was about as good as it got.
So: They were not remotely four goals better than us today. Plus including Taylor there were twelve of them. Poor Frank. But really? I honestly don’t think he’ll lose that much sleep over a game that could quite easily have gone the complete opposite way. Rarely will we be so utterly luckless in a game. Suck it up and move on.
Problems include: Taking our chances. Harsh lesson in that for a young side today. Silly errors. Naïveté on the field, you cannot bomb around like that and give the ball away constantly and hope to win Premier League games. This was not just the “yoot.” Dave gave it away 22 times, more than anyone else. Defending needs much work. Especially on set pieces. Tammy isn’t ready. Not to the extent that Mount is. If we had been able to buy a striker he’d be out on loan somewhere in the lower half of the league this season as part of his development. That showed. Don’t expect miracles from him.
Poor Kurt was a car crash today. I don’t doubt he can play better than that, but his pace is a concern for me. He will play, but not in fixtures like yesterday’s if Frank can help if. We need Rudi back ASAP. All that said, not bad at all for a large portion of the game. Kante still to come back in properly, then Rudi, Ruben, CHO. This will arguably be as weak as our squad is this season. Fixtures against the top six are just coming too soon for us. Our season starts on Sunday, with a run again Leicester, Norwich and Sheffield United. That is when we will get a proper measure of the work Frank has done so far.
On the funny side, this will give the Manc bellends a massively inflated sense of hope about this season, which will be all the more hilarious when they do f*ck all again. More holes in their game than a pair of TCW's skanky discarded old fishnets. The amount of chances they gave us? Remember that fight scene in Gladiator, where Russell Crowe shoved one sword in a guy, then another. Yanked them out and decapitated him in one crossover move? That’s what the likes of City are going to do to them.
The rest of the footballing world is forgetting how many Chelsea fans remember when we were categorically, undisputedly shit. We’re hardier in the stands than you think, and we are in no way shit. Time for everyone to put their money where their mouth is in terms of accepting that this is a very different kind of season for us. Frank has been in charge a month, and he’s set a complete revolution in motion. A revolution people begged for from the club. In the words of Take That. Just have a little patience. As for some of the newer breed, who start defecating and screaming at YouTube every time we drop a point, when they decide Lampard is out of his depth by Thursday morning, they can do one. Because we’ve got precisely 48 before Istanbul. Never was a match a more pointless barometer of his, or his players’ ability at a given place in time. Well played Premier League, well played.